The life of an expat wife

After just over 6 weeks in my third international move, I think I can say we are finally settled. (or as much as we will be) There is still boxes to unpack – those annoying ones with little pieces in it that moved from London to HK and now to Singapore. Life admin still to do. But the kids are in school, the husband has a rhythm at work, the helper has started and then there is me. The expat wife. The trailing spouse. 

Motherhood itself is one that is fraught with under appreciated sacrifices and quite often the trailing spouses’ are also the ones who put their own plans, aspirations and dreams on the backburner. I, for one, can attest to that as I write my blog and add to my coaching practice for the first time in almost 2 months. 

But now the life admin – the visa and identity documents, the bank account, the school enrolment and school administration, the coordination of moves, the furnishing of houses to make them a home, setting up of doctors, dentist appointments, knowing where to get groceries from and general bearings which we take for granted is done, I feel a gap in my day. What do I fill my time with?

I remember when we first moved to Hong Kong and that desperate feeling of trying to find that new identity. I went to an American Women’s Association breakfast where there was cheerleading and women wearing gigantic diamonds talking about their charities they were recruiting for and how much money they raised. I came out thinking, has my life become a reality TV show and I have become a person on the Real Housewives of Hong Kong? Was this my new life?

“I came out thinking, has my life become a reality TV show and I have become a person on the Real Housewives of Hong Kong?”

Deciding that I wasn’t going to be on the Real Housewives of Hong Kong, my journey took me to finding a job. Getting a job in another country can be tough especially with the underlying sentiment in many countries that governments are not looking after their own people. Add the greater complexity of moving to a country where you aren’t fluent in the native tongue.

In Hong Kong, having a dependent visa made it administratively easier to work but the focus on having mandarin or cantonese was often an obstacle. In Singapore, as with many of other countries, there is a greater focus on providing opportunities for ‘locals’. This is making it difficult to start a business or find a job as it requires sponsorship. So without a job to fill the time, often it leaves a hollow feeling. Like motherhood, it can cause an identity crisis, particularly, if your identity was tied to your job. No job = no money and also that loss of financial independence. 

Oh the financial independence, the next part in the journey of an expat wife. The time before having a bank account, which I was dreading organising as it seemed so onerous here in Singapore. A dependent visa? Bank account cannot lah! What else can be more demoralising like being treated like a second class citizen who can’t even get a bank account. Where you have to message to your husband asking him to get more cash out for you or to ask if he is there so you can pay for your online shopping as you wait for the OTP. But getting the bank account sorted was a significant milestone in settling.

“A dependent visa? Bank account cannot lah! What else can be more demoralising like being treated like a second class citizen who can’t even get a bank account.”

All these obstacles are part of the journey in the trials and tribulations of being an expat wife. The journey to settle is one of excitement and one of loneliness of moving to a new country and not having friends to spend time with. The effort to create new friendships and not saying no to things can be tiring. The period when you move from idle chit chat to in-depth conversations and growing the friendship only for them to say that its their expat time is over and you have to start the cycle again – all of this takes an emotional toll. But your expat family will come… it just takes time.

But for now my journey has just begun, time to settle. Time to get into a routine. Mamma know that you are not alone.